My Dark School Of Thoughts

  

     A beautiful flower! If there was a flower that could smile it would be you, you’re a lily and you are the first of its kind. It’s been like a decade but I can remember certain things about you with so much clarity that it feels like it was only yesterday. I can comfortably say it all started with you and you only, your idea of taking the bull by the horn which is also your way of tackling most of your issue’s is what led to us. We would both agree that we have unfinished business and would like to finish what we started in the next foreseeable future if the environment and situation that presents itself is acceptable and that factor in the name of availability wouldn’t be an issue. Till we see again try to keep body and soul together.

   Being that we could assume that you have soared over the sea and mountain as your name implied didn’t come to my notice then. You weren’t to pretty but you were also far from being ugly or plain. From the onset I knew we were never meant to be, we just happened, so it was already destined for a downfall even before it had the chance to rise. We called it platonic then but for me it was just my way of putting another dudes mind at ease and at the same time proving to myself that all was well. So even when you did it by e-mail I wasn’t shocked because I expected it, after all we both knew all along how it was going to end after we crossed that gate. Heard about your marriage and I guess a big congratulation is in order even if it is very belated, so happy married life.

    Couldn’t almost believe that the naive young girl of yesterday has blossomed into a woman today. When I remember that there is always an ace up my sleeve I remembered the first time you and I finally put all our cards on the table, you couldn’t believe that you were making those moves, infact I think you must have shed a tear or two, but its all good because we both can comfortably say we have nothing to regret because it wasn’t bad while it lasted. I know you still got that vision of being the defender and vanquisher for the mistreated so keep it up for it’s a good cause. I hope your exploration into the wider world has paid off, I really hope so because if it hasn’t then all would be a waste.

      

     Despite being named to be God’s satisfaction you were far from being satisfied with what you had, not because you wanted too much or you were greedy but because you had been a little unlucky in your pursuit for happiness, I couldn’t give it to you then because I wasn’t right for you but I sincerely hope you have found that now because you deserve it. Your supposed love for me was so potent that you would willing have done me bodily harm, although I must admit that I treated you unfairly and that I took advantage of you, for that I am sorry but the truth must be said, you are partly at fault because you made yourself available for such treatments. All I can say is we weren’t equipped for the long haul, so it wouldn’t have worked out then and now so we are better of as friends and if I knew then what I know now I would have treated you better.   

    

     Ever my tight friend now even when we knew you wanted more and I couldn’t give it to you, we still remained close even after everything that went unrecorded, when you eventually took that step and I failed in delivery because you couldn’t just stay calm and keep quiet because you were over excited. Its fortunate that we don’t have anything in the way of regrets over our actions and its good that we were matured enough not to allow it bother or affect our friendship. Its been good to have you as a friend and hopefully it continues that way.

     First she wanted me but it was you her best friend I had on my radar. If it ever happened it happened quick and it ended quick and I don’t have any distinctive memory of it at all. I am sorry to say but you were a dull company to have around and there was no way I was going to continue like that so I had to do something about it and when I finally did you believed you were the one letting go. The only solace is that it ended before it started and I didn’t feel deprived. Good luck to you wherever you are.

     Going around and seemingly spreading your poison was your forte, but I had always known you for whom you were and left it at that because there were a lot of wonderful sides to you also. Trying to manipulate those around me was supposed to be a good move but the problem with it was that it is an old and very obvious technique. Things could and would have been different between us if you hadn’t in your own words “Taken the bulls by the horn”. I regret that I hadn’t taken the steps I needed to take earlier and I am also sorry things ended the way they did considering the circumstances. I must say your presence in my life had the greatest impact compared to the others because you didn’t just leave but left with a chunk of me as a souvenir. So I sincerely hope you get smiled upon by the higher power because you have endured enough in your self created purgatory.

      How come! The closest I have remotely ever been to heartbreak was because of you, not because I couldn’t live without you after our separation but because of the perception of me you seemingly had as your reason for the split and the fact that you quantified what we had together when the most important thing was supposed to be the quality. I always said these to you; ‘Never say Never’ and I also always said ‘Never put all your eggs in one basket’. It would have been shameful if I merely said those words and never really practiced them, am not saying that I ever cheated on you but am saying I kept an open mind to all possibility. No matter what I have said to you after our separation, take no heed for I said them to gauge your reaction, I want you to know that am not even sure that if the right circumstance presents itself again that I would be able to entrust you with all my eggs because I now see you as a basket that has been tainted and soaked in fluid. What happened between us was the best I have ever experienced with anybody and I am heading towards building a better one now and in the future with whomever i am going to be with.

     I believed that they didn’t exist until I met you, you are a phantom and you don’t deserve a spot on this page like some others I didn’t write about, but I decided to write about you because of the strangeness of our issue. To me now you are just a figment of my imagination and if I ever see you again I would definitely disregard you, infact you wouldn’t register in my sub-conscious talk less of my conscious. I didn’t ask for it, you wanted it and I after scrutinizing all variables I agreed to give it a try and a couple of days later you disappear without a word or call, and this was more than two years ago and I still haven’t set eyes on you or heard from you. If I didn’t know people that knew you for years I might have doubted my sanity. All in all if you are out there, remain wherever you are because you are not a factor in the scheme of things.

   Just accept it that there was no way we could have happened because aside from the fact that I was tied up with my own commitment then, the union was always destined for failure. There were too many different variables between us for it to have worked out. I know you tried hard to make it work even to the extent that you were ready to do away with a five years union but it didn’t seem fair to you because I wasn’t ready to emulate that step you were willing to make and moreover why would you want to end a five year union over some dude you had barely known for about two months? It was a dumb move and it didn’t make sense so that was why I talked you out of it, and it worked although no matter how gentle I handled the matter it must have hurt you bad because nobody likes to be rejected. What I want to let you know is these, if circumstances were right I would have given it a go and I didn’t reject you, and even if I did, I did it for the right reasons, I didn’t want to be selfish.

 

     Keep off! You came along asking for something in the way of an open relationship, and the fact that I had already been hooked didn’t even matter to you. Am sorry to tell you but I had to reject you point blank because it is generally said that if you cannot smell something don’t eat it. And I wasn’t ready to do either for reason known only to me. Nah! Everything about you was wrong and I am happy today that I took the right step because even with you being very attractive I didn’t think I wanted to be seen around with you.

    Live the life now, you deserve it. There could have been an us but you know all the things that stood in our way. My joy knew no bounds when you told me you were finally tying the knots with him, unfortunately I couldn’t attend the ceremony because of unforeseen circumstances. What still sticks to my memory was the fact that you actually wanted or contemplated leaving your fiancé then on the grounds of the usual, and all you needed was for me to say the word but I couldn’t for obvious reasons, and I pointed out to you that the reason you were finding faults was because I was in the picture and that we both knew you weren’t complaining before, therefore you should look before you leap. I guess what I said fell on listening ears and a big thank you from you to me is in order. One thing I know for sure is that he is a lucky man and that you would make a great mother. Till we see again stay blessed.

   My rigmarole was too much that in the end it was almost too late. I didn’t want to give in and you also didn’t want to give in too, actually if you had been willing to meet me half way God knows I would have come all the way. Both us and everybody knowing there was this charge in the air whenever we are together but we had no inclination to make the move, I didn’t want to do it because I wasn’t ready to indulge you and your games, you wanted a situation where I would go down on my knees over something you wanted badly, in fact something you so wanted more than i so I just pretended that there was nothing until almost the end, so I guess you are an unfinished story that I would like to go back to if the right situation presents itself.

      No argument you are a jewel. Its common practice for people to save the best things for last, and I am also going to keep it short because it is also said that the best things come in small packages. So this is what I have to say to you: you’re the best and an Angel that should be cherished forever.