My Dark School Of Thoughts

    My soul weeps for you! The mere thought that you are out there, close by yet so far away hurts me so bad to the point where I shed tears. There are days where I can taste the bitter taste of defeat in my mouth whenever I think of you. Not a day goes by that I do not think of you and wish circumstances were different, the thought of you brings along with it the feeling of helplessness and the feeling of failure on my own part, the thought that you might be out there helpless and in pains leaves me in pains at how helpless I am to help you, the thought that am not there to hold you tight and reassure you that all will be well leaves me with a strong compulsion to smash everything around me with my bare hands. Am at a point in my life where I am a child again, learning to walk, testing his footings and trying to struggle with others who are sure footed, I will definitely prevail but will I do it in time to make amends with you? It is dangerous and cowardly for a man to dwell too much on his missteps by forever regretting, I do not regret and have never regretted your existence because you are a blessing, I only regret the steps am being forced to take right now because if seen or perceived wrongly by you eventually may cause irreparable damages to our relationship. You definitely cannot understand certain things now and I hope I become an integral part of your life in time before the questions start flooding in and the feeling of abandonment finally sets in. I cringe at the thought of when you would eventually have to ask me certain questions about why things couldn’t have been different, because no matter how i explain or what form of explanation I give it may never bring back the times we have lost, it may heal our injuries but the scar would remain as a constant reminder of how life can be so unfair. I take all blames and responsibilities for my actions because I made whatever decision am sitting on right now solely on my own, but know that whatever decisions I have made were noble, they may look selfish but I made them with good intention and with your best interest at heart. Our life is governed by the steps we take, a wrong turn leads you to troubles, we are prone to mistakes and that is allowed but what makes a man is if he finds his way back from that said wrong turn to find the right path. I have made certain wrong turns and I am gradually finding my way back, how long it would take I don’t know but as long as i have perseverance on my side I will survive. I want you to know that I live for you, I dream of the day we will be together and whatever steps I take now I take them with you on my mind and wherever I go I take you along in my heart.

       Tagging myself as merely “not very religious” is the greatest understatement of the decade but I still and always pray for you, I pray for you to have patience with me and that since I cant be there to protect you God should send angels to guide you in my stead because when there is life there is hope and if anything happens to you I will live the rest of my life feeling defeated and under achieved no matter how successful I would eventually become. So please hold on tight for I will one day definitely come for you and sweep you away like a blazing chariot from heaven to be with me and know now that I would never leave you again