My Dark School Of Thoughts

   All it took were three drops, three drops and the salty tears come flooding down my face without control. For three years on this day it has always been like that, a stiff battle with my tears for three hours, to the point that when it starts drowning me in sorrow I take to my heels and drown myself in a bottle, a temporary and cowardly escape though but it does the job at least. “Am so happy, that’s just the saddest lie”! A lie I have lived with for too long, a lie I so believed in until today, the last day. A lie that has governed my every action and decision for this last one thousand and ninety five days, a lie I have always told others and believed in so that I and you all wouldn’t see how I hurt so much, how my heart bleeds and my soul burns slow like it has been doused with ether, how my life is so filled up with pain because of the time lost, the time I could have shared with you, a time we could have shared together, a time that can never be made up for and I fear that as the time passes, the hope of making things right gets slimmer. I will say what I have to say because in the end they all are going to judge me anyway so whatever. We couldn’t be a threesome and probably never will be because it wasn’t meant to be, today while you are happy out there I feel so sad like I am in mourning out here, sad not over the loss of a life but over the loss of all the time we could have spent together, sad over the fact that we are biologically so close but physically so far apart, separated by distance and circumstances.                                                             
    Smile and be merry for it’s your day, a day I regrettably can’t spend with you. Awake I have been since three in the morning with contradicting feelings, my heart swelling with happiness and pride for you and at the same time deflating over being disappointed and unhappy with myself, I am trying so hard to remain sane and coherent in my thought because I have more than three issues whirling out of control in my head, finally I manage to get myself in control and settle for three things, I will strive to remain happy today, if not for your sake then for my sanity, secondly if that fails I would not fall back to my trusted companion, the ‘bottle’ for solace and escape, and lastly I am going to make three wishes for you, just like in the Arabian stories where you rub a lamp and a genie pops out to do your bidding. Know that whatever I wish for would be pure, deserving and born out of the undying and unflinching love I have for you. Today I shall shed tears, not for mourning but tears of joy because I am celebrating a life. I shall shed Tear drops just like rain drops so hard to control yet so easy to induce, Tear drops salty and ready to drown you just like the ocean waters, Tear drops just like dew drops flowing slowly but eventually getting everything wet. If only my tear drops were a blessing for you, I would never stop shedding tears. Like it is said “Tiny drops of water make a mighty ocean” so shall my tear drops that I shed be your blessings, and so shall it make a mighty ocean of blessings for you for all eternity.