As I put my pen to paper for the sake of posterity, I began to hyper-ventilate and my hand began to quiver as the never forgotten terror befell me and the rushing faintness and horror consumed me completely. How many a weary and teary years has dragged by since that day when the horrible incident threw a blanketing shadow over my life. Those sweet long-departed days when my beauty was said to be so enchanting that it could hurt the eyes of the unworthy, them good old days when I couldn’t walk the streets without turning the heads of man and woman alike, now I look at myself to only but see a haggard old woman with ashen lips, a wrinkled skin and with a face of deadly pallor. Do not fancy that you are listening to a mere pathetic lamentation of one who had lost it all due to the flight of years, for it is not the flight of years that has brought me to be this caricature of my former self but the influence of the unknown and the forceful severing of link that bound my heart to another. My shoulder has gone slack for my burden has been too heavy and my heart is already empty for I long for the time I will embrace death that comes so slowly especially to those who earnestly pray for it. I will write it exactly as it happened, I will tell to all the circumstances which blighted my life and forever doomed me to an abyss of sadness.
My name is Elena McGuire and this is my story:
I was an only child and daughter to a very wealthy squire who had no son of his alive to inherit after him. I cared little for such riches for I was indeed so rich then in health and youth and love that I felt myself quite indifferent to all else. I had fallen head over in love with Damien who I knew beyond all doubt of reason was in love with me and did not court me for my wealth. For He proved it when he shrank from my side in horror, grief and anger after the change, and for that I am most grateful, at the very least he spared me that, for that I know I was loved and the knowledge has kept me from going crazy through many a weary days and sleepless nights. We have lived alone with the house helps since mama and my brothers died when I was but only I tiny babe. I grew barely seeing papa for though a kind father, he was always much absorbed in affairs of various kinds, as an active landlord and sailor.
It was during this period of my youth I fell in love with my Damian, a love that was later forbidden by papa because he was but the son of our cook and because he wanted me married away for his own political gains. I remember still before it all started to fall apart, how tall, manly and handsome Damien looked, taller by a head than any other, and full of high spirits and gaiety. I too was always in the highest spirits especially when with him and never had my bosom felt lighter! What a blithe, joyous company we seemed. I remember still when all was rosy, how we stole kisses in the pantry when we were but kids, then how we stole out at night to be in each others hands after dark as we matured in body and age. And most memorable, I remember still the first night I offered myself to him, the painful but sweet feeling, his caress, the feel of his muscular chest borne out of logging, his strong manly smell that incited the beast and hunger in me, what a day ordained by the gods it was.
Rufus for who papa wanted me married to, was born of royalty and for that reason only, I shall be forcefully betrothed to him. Rufus I remember still, a short, stout, brutish and mean tempered man, he who permanently had a scowl etched on his face and who never failed to make me soul devoid of all joy whenever he came around. Rufus for who was madly in love with me that an almost uncontrollable anger aroused in him if he but saw me with any other man, he who I vowed to never marry, he who I had told that my heart lay elsewhere and nothing in this world would make me marry him unless if the love of my life rejects me or the ill fate of death separates us. He who watched Damian’s every move like a hawk and with jealous murderous intent in his eyes, he who grew up in the old ways of superstitious belief and witchcraft.
Papa I hold responsible for what befell me, if he hadn’t but forced a betrothal, publicly renounced I and Damian’s love and then banished him from the grounds of our mansion, we probably wouldn’t have considered elopement. We agreed to forsake our families and go away so we could forever live happy and content and we decided to leave on the night before my betrothal. When the day came I was very merry and gay that my father who was but visiting a neighboring town and wouldn’t come back till the morn of the next day suspiciously wondered at my ever ready mirth which was almost wild in its excess. I have heard since then of a belief that those doomed to some great calamity become fey, and am never as disposed for merriment and laughter as just before the blow falls. If ever mortal was fey, then I was so on that day and when night came and the clock struck an hour before midnight, I woke up to the sound of the raging storm and stole out of the house in the rain with a bundle of some of my belongings, then hurried to Damian‘s place. I got to his place and met his absence and my heart almost burst in trepidation for I believed he had but left without me, until I saw his note telling me to wait for him for he had to make some last minute preparation. I was so relieved that I lay on his bed in exhaustion to wait for him, and then I fell asleep.
How long I slept I never knew, for I awoke at once with that abrupt start which we all know well, and which carries us in a second from utter unconsciousness to the full use of our faculties. I felt that some thing was in the room so I listened intently and no sound was audible except for the sound of persistent beating of the rain on the roof. I knew that I had not been deceived by a dream, and felt certain that I was not alone so I waited and my heart beat on quicker and more sudden grew its pulsations as a bird in a cage might flutter in presence of the hawk, then I saw something dark hover above the bed where I lay and when I strove to cry aloud I couldn’t not utter a word, and though I strained my eyes, they could not penetrate the obscurity that shrouded the ceiling over me. And before I knew it, it began to drift lower to the bed, again I tried to scream wildly for help but my mouth was parched and my tongue refused to obey. Since I could not utter a cry, I strove to pray for Damien to come and rescue me from this nightmare. Then it was over me in a second and I felt the worst of feelings for I was transported to the abyss of hell. My heart labored as I was crushed beneath its vast weight, whatever that was on me had no form of palpable physical mass and it pulsated fiercely and hurriedly as my breath came short and with extreme difficulty, and I shivered as if with cold, I felt like my very soul was completely being sucked out of me. I was in the very grip of something whose touch sickened the soul with deathly fear and my brain reeled, the blood boiled in my ears, and my body began to lose all strength as I struggled to be free of its deathly embrace. Hours may have passed nay, though the tumult I was in could never have allowed me account for it, but it seemed ages to me as hideous visions passed before my aching eyes that I dared not close even if I could as I gazed up into the dumb darkness dying.
And when all hope seemed lost I heard the sound of heavy footstep on the landing which paused as it got to the door, then the clanging of keys as it was inserted in the keyhole and then the door opened to reveal the love of my life Damien. Whatever happened after that I cannot tell, but when I woke from my delirious trance it was already the morn of the day of my betrothal and I was in my bed at home with Damien looking down at me in horror and when I whispered his name and tried to hold his hand he pulled away, the others were also around the bed looked at me with pity and terror in their eyes. And when I turned to the looking glass beside my bed I saw that my youth was gone at one fell swoop and the glass showed me a livid and haggard face, blanched and bloodless as of one who sees a specter, with an ashen lip, wrinkled brow and dim eyes. My hair which was once jetty and rich before was now sickly and as white as snow, in one night the ravages of half a century had passed over my face
The sight was too heavy for my eyes that I let out a terrible scream just as my father came in and when he saw me he stopped on his tracks and a look of revulsion crossed over his face and then he fainted. When he was revived, he listened to the circumstance that led to my demise and he broke down in tears claiming the fault was but from him alone and asked for forgiveness. He admitted to a have plotted with Rufus to do away with Damien on the eve of my engagement, Rufus paid a witch a visit but they never but knew I would be at Damian’s room and take his stead. Damien blind with rage and driven by grief rushed out of the room despite my calls and went to seek out Rufus. I shall never know the details of what happened after, but it was said a fierce brawl ensued between Damien and Rufus, a brawl that none came off alive. How I wept my soul out when I held his bloodied head as he lay dead beside Rufus on the street, so sad a wreck was I for months that there were days where I contemplated taking my life and ending my misery, days I thought I couldn’t live without Damien. The only thing that kept me from taking it was that Damian‘s sacrifice would have been in vain, I wanted to celebrate his life and I also wanted papa always see me as a reminder of what he lost, and that he will live his life in horror, shame, revulsion and guilt because of his greed and folly, and for those reasons alone I lived in pain. Papa has been dead this many years of a guilty and broken heart and I never ceased to curse him as I never ceased to bless the memory of Damien, a memory I cherished and guarded in the deepest of crevices in my heart. My wait is over as my wishful end is almost upon me and I embrace it wholeheartedly for I dream of his kiss and being in his arms again but this time it will last forever.
My Dark School Of Thoughts 
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